I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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