I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
