legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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