Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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