I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
