If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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