I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Sorry my hands just texted you
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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