Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
