So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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