Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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