He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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