You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
