So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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