The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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