Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
