Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
