I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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