Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
