I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
