Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
