Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm both gender and math confused
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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