i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
