then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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