oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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