I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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