oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Vodka?
Forever.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
