too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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