Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
