I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
