when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
