i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
