I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
