i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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