I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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