He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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