End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
