when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
