So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
