every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
