On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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