can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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