I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
COCAINE IS GR8
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