I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
