broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
