i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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