Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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