dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
