God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
