Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
