I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
